I would like to address pregnancy HONESTLY.

Throughout my pregnancy, I have battled with deep guilt. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time when you are happy, glowing, thankful and any other happy word you can think up. I have been the opposite. There are 2 things that I enjoy about being pregnant; clear skin and feeling my baby move. I feel as though I have [regularly] experienced every other negative pregnancy symptom and it has made me one miserable person to be around, I'm sure.

• I wake up exhausted, sore and stiff every single day. I, who has never had a problem sleeping a solid 8 hours every night, don't sleep anymore. I'm awake more than I am asleep from either neck pain, hip pain, acid reflux, nausea or general discomfort. I'm just so tired. I can't drink caffeine because even the smallest amount makes me jittery, makes my anxiety flare up and gives me a wicked stomach ache. 
• My hair is...a mess. Pregnancy has been so cruel to my hair. Oh god.
• The tension headaches are out of control, and have honestly made my life so difficult and stressful. 
• The acid reflux is so intense that it honestly feels like I'm suffocating most of the time; I take so much Gaviscon that it could be considered one of my main food groups. What I can eat is so limited right now on top of already being really limited (allergies and a sensitive stomach).
• Hormones. Oh. My. God. I was very emotional throughout the first 3 months of my pregnancy, but it quickly went away and I was very "normal" up until about 2 weeks ago. I am legitimately that crazy emotional pregnant woman now. Though, sadly, the only strong emotion I feel is anger. It's so awful how angry I am about everything. Then the guilt of being this way makes me sad and upset with myself which makes me want to cry. Wtf?
• My memory is useless right now. It's truly infuriating not even being able to trust your own mind for anything, not even basic tasks.

All of this being said, I still feel an overwhelming amount of guilt about disliking pregnancy even though I have a pretty solid case as to why it's not been my favourite time. I said something really nasty today than honestly is weighing so heavily on my conscience. While telling Chris that I forgot to do something I said something along the lines of, "this pregnancy is ruining my life. Can this baby be born already?". I apologized to Chris, because I feel as though it could have hurt him as well, but he said that it's ok. He understands what I'm going through and how difficult it is for me to function on the most basic level.

I guess I just needed to vent. I have had an extremely difficult 2.5 weeks that have drained me completely. I could absolutely be handling it much better, and I'm working on it. I'm picking up a book this evening that peaked my interest; It's by Gabrielle Bernstein and teaches you how to be more happy, positive and generally better person. I read the introduction online and I feel as though I could really benefit from it. It's broken down in to weeks and there is a chapter and exercises for that week, which makes it seem even more doable. I feel as though I need something right now. Anything. I can't keep going on carrying this anger, bitterness and hostility with me through life...especially not while pregnant. I know that a big part is my hormones being out of whack right now, but I need to learn to see the brighter side. 

I need to be a better person for my baby. He deserves a happy, healthy mother. He deserves to not feel my stress constantly while he's still in my womb. Again, the guilt. I need to stop dwelling and beating myself up also. I have to accept that this is all temporary and that I can be strong and get through this with my head high. I just feel so weak and beaten down right now, it's going to be so difficult to raise myself up.