'Gratitude is my only attitude."

I have been working through Gabrielle Bernstein's "May Cause Miracles" this week in hopes that I can be a better person for myself, my son, my hubby..everyone in my life. Mostly for me, though, if we're being honest (and there's nothing wrong with that). Constant pessimism, negativity, anger, frustration, irritation, lack of patience and feeling less than super happy on a daily basis is so difficult and draining.

Today's affirmation is "Gratitude is my only attitude", and it is so tough for me right now! My neck pain has reached an absolutely draining, agonizing level. I am in constant pain, probably an 8/10 on my pain scale. The only time that I feel "ok" is when I am laying down with a heating pad on my neck. Not even sleeping is restful anymore, because sleeping seems to re-aggravate the pain every single night. I'm slowly losing my mind, quite honestly. Maybe if I could take something for the pain, it would be more bearable but seeing as I can't, I feel pretty hopeless lately.

I digress...

What am I grateful for:

• Being alive.
• My body is strong. Though I may feel so weak and in pain right now, I AM GROWING A HUMAN BEING. It is difficult, and that's life. He'll be here at least by January 9, so it's only temporary. 
• My supportive, wonderful and generally amazing boyfriend (and partner in life) who is so full of love for me and kindness. He makes life so much better.
• My loving, helpful and kind family. I love them so much.
• I have a well-paying job with good benefits, and I will get at least half my pay for an entire year while I'm on maternity leave.
• Being able to take an extra month off for maternity leave to relax, rest my sore body, prepare for the baby and generally just clear my head.
• Being able to spend just under a year with my baby.
• My hubby being so supportive of me wanting to go back to school while I'm off (online courses), so that I can get out of this job and move on to something that I actually enjoy.

I am thankful for so many things. I need to push through the pain and constantly remind myself why I am lucky and why I should be grateful instead of angry and sad.

Difficult Questions

I found these questions in an article I read on Mind Body Green. They're tough! But here goes...

1. What makes me feel free and most alive?  I feel free and most alive on my yoga mat. I am able to close my eyes and forget about everything except for the asanas the teacher is leading us through. I love it so much. 
2. How do I like to spend time with people I care about? I like to spend time with people I care about without distractions. I am a homebody and an introvert, so it takes a lot of effort for me to go out and spend time with people, even if I love them to bits and enjoy their company immensely. My favourite things to do with my girlfriends is going out for tea or window shopping. I like to just sit around and talk with my family, and I see them quite often (they live super close and we're all very close knit)
3. What sparks my passion and revs up my enthusiasm? How could I spend hours (if not days) doing ____ and actually lose track of time? I must admit...I have been very stagnant over the past year. I am passionate about crafting, DIY, beautifying my living space, finding "green" (natural) remedies for everything including beauty and cleaning.
4. How would I ideally like to spend my week, days, and weekends? I would ideally like to spend my week days working at a job that I enjoy, inspires me or at bare minimum I do not dislike. My week nights, I would like to spend NOT exhausted so that I can be productive, laugh, spend time with friends and loved ones. My weekends are my favourite time, ever. I enjoy spending my weekends doing a mixture of relaxing, cleaning, spending time with loved ones and maybe getting some neat stuff done like crafts or what have you. It rarely works out that way.
5. What would my ideal work place be? Who would I work with (if anyone)? My ideal work place is in a relaxing, creative environment with like-minded individuals. Whether I work at a wellness center, yoga studio or one day have my own business.
6. What ways do I actually enjoy moving my body? I predominantly enjoy practicing yoga but I also enjoy walking. 
7. What helps me feel relaxed and joyful? To feel relaxed and joyful, I need a clear head. Life has been difficult for me lately, and my brain is clouded with negativity, doubt and worry. Meditation, cuddling with my hubby, daydreaming about what life will be like with my little guy, yoga and laughing with friends relaxes me and makes me feel happy.
8. How do I most enjoy helping others? I enjoy making people happy, but it is very difficult to do that when I do not feel happy myself. Oddly, when I am feeling low...I am compelled to do things for others. I help people the best I can, and it varies with everyone. Cooking, cleaning, buying them something they love, telling them about something that they would love/enjoy/use or what have you.

Natural Healing

"Do one thing every day that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt

After weeks of awful neck pain and headaches, I finally saw my chiropractor. We discussed my options, which are currently all medication-free and the idea of acupuncture came up. Without hesitation I said that I would like both acupuncture and an adjustment; I immediately felt anxious. Needles do not bother me, but I was worried about how I would feel after the acupuncture (nauseated, dizzy, etc).

The experience itself was alright. The needles are as fine as a human hair, so I didn't feel them go in or come out. They were placed all over my neck, one on the crown of my head, one in my right hand and one on my right forearm (that last one made my arm jump involuntarily!). As soon as I was left alone with my thoughts, I focused on my breathing and began to meditate. While I wouldn't call the experience relaxing, it was not at all unpleasant. My neck was gently massaged and adjusted shortly afterward, which loosened my neck up so much! I felt much more relaxed afterward.

I FINALLY slept well. Oh my goodness..I can't even describe to you how happy I am that I slept through the night. My neck is quite sore still, but it definitely feels better and more loose. My only real complaint is that my right hand & forearm are quite sore where the needles were; I'm told that's normal, though. I scheduled another acupuncture session and chiropractic adjustment for Saturday morning after my glucose screening (blood work). I think that as long as I eat between my blood work and acupuncture that I will feel ok. I will definitely need a nap afterward. Next week I'm going to get a massage as well, and those always help.

I would like to address pregnancy HONESTLY.

Throughout my pregnancy, I have battled with deep guilt. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time when you are happy, glowing, thankful and any other happy word you can think up. I have been the opposite. There are 2 things that I enjoy about being pregnant; clear skin and feeling my baby move. I feel as though I have [regularly] experienced every other negative pregnancy symptom and it has made me one miserable person to be around, I'm sure.

• I wake up exhausted, sore and stiff every single day. I, who has never had a problem sleeping a solid 8 hours every night, don't sleep anymore. I'm awake more than I am asleep from either neck pain, hip pain, acid reflux, nausea or general discomfort. I'm just so tired. I can't drink caffeine because even the smallest amount makes me jittery, makes my anxiety flare up and gives me a wicked stomach ache. 
• My hair is...a mess. Pregnancy has been so cruel to my hair. Oh god.
• The tension headaches are out of control, and have honestly made my life so difficult and stressful. 
• The acid reflux is so intense that it honestly feels like I'm suffocating most of the time; I take so much Gaviscon that it could be considered one of my main food groups. What I can eat is so limited right now on top of already being really limited (allergies and a sensitive stomach).
• Hormones. Oh. My. God. I was very emotional throughout the first 3 months of my pregnancy, but it quickly went away and I was very "normal" up until about 2 weeks ago. I am legitimately that crazy emotional pregnant woman now. Though, sadly, the only strong emotion I feel is anger. It's so awful how angry I am about everything. Then the guilt of being this way makes me sad and upset with myself which makes me want to cry. Wtf?
• My memory is useless right now. It's truly infuriating not even being able to trust your own mind for anything, not even basic tasks.

All of this being said, I still feel an overwhelming amount of guilt about disliking pregnancy even though I have a pretty solid case as to why it's not been my favourite time. I said something really nasty today than honestly is weighing so heavily on my conscience. While telling Chris that I forgot to do something I said something along the lines of, "this pregnancy is ruining my life. Can this baby be born already?". I apologized to Chris, because I feel as though it could have hurt him as well, but he said that it's ok. He understands what I'm going through and how difficult it is for me to function on the most basic level.

I guess I just needed to vent. I have had an extremely difficult 2.5 weeks that have drained me completely. I could absolutely be handling it much better, and I'm working on it. I'm picking up a book this evening that peaked my interest; It's by Gabrielle Bernstein and teaches you how to be more happy, positive and generally better person. I read the introduction online and I feel as though I could really benefit from it. It's broken down in to weeks and there is a chapter and exercises for that week, which makes it seem even more doable. I feel as though I need something right now. Anything. I can't keep going on carrying this anger, bitterness and hostility with me through life...especially not while pregnant. I know that a big part is my hormones being out of whack right now, but I need to learn to see the brighter side. 

I need to be a better person for my baby. He deserves a happy, healthy mother. He deserves to not feel my stress constantly while he's still in my womb. Again, the guilt. I need to stop dwelling and beating myself up also. I have to accept that this is all temporary and that I can be strong and get through this with my head high. I just feel so weak and beaten down right now, it's going to be so difficult to raise myself up.

Wednesday

My life has taken a turn for the wonderful and exciting! I am in a great place. It's all happening!

Physically/Emotionally:

• I am absolutely smitten with my prenatal yoga class. The teacher is an absolute doll, I adore her style of teaching and her energy. I'd forgotten how I feel when I am on my mat; wonderful, strong, energetic, at peace, happy and beautiful! It has really begun to improve my body image, moods, connection with my baby and overall outlook on life. Pregnancy has helped me appreciate yoga so much more than I ever have and I can not wait to get back to my mat after giving birth with new energy and strength.
• My little guy is moving around quite a lot now. It started the beginning of last week during my yoga class, and since then he's been super active nearly every day. I have a feeling that I have lucked out with him; he is obviously strong, but he doesn't kick a certain spot too often. I feel him the most when I am stretching, meditating, relaxing or laying down to go to sleep. H
• My hormones really kicked in last week! Wow. I experienced a roller coaster of emotions, mostly not so great. I will not allow a repeat of last week. Right now I'm focusing on happiness and positive thinking. 

Life In General/Baby Stuff:

• People are giving us all kinds of wonderful baby goodies! We have been given so much that I am actually being very picky as to what we will keep. We have a large tote absolutely crammed with baby clothes already, and we have a lot more coming our way. I am so thankful for the generosity that people are showing us!
• We've found a lovely home to move in to November 1st! I am very excited. It is a back split, so we have the main level and upper level of the house, and there is a young couple renting out the basement apartment. I am so excited to actually live above ground again! Bonuses: Dishwasher, our own private washer & dryer on the main level, lots of closet space, and very bright!

All in all, life is treating us well right now. I am at a point where I'm making a conscious effort to improve as a person. I am working on becoming more patient, positive and happy. I am not a fan of how negative and pessimistic I can be. I will explain that more at a later date!